She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
