Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I checked into jail on foursquare
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
