You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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