3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
