my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
