Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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