The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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