Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
