Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
tell me about the eggs
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
