I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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