have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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