So drunk its hurt
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
