So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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