I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
please don't ironically join a cult
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