her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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