I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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