well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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