At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
