my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We just shotgunned beers for America
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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