just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
