He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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