So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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