just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize