Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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