my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
