i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
