My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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