dude i'm inner monologue high
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
