i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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