So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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