I think my vagina is haunted
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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