i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
