i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
