onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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