my phone needs a breathalizer
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
