I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
