TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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