mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
