I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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