He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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