He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
