guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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