it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
