Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
