I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
