So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
