I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
