He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
