The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
