Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
