Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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