the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize