this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
