so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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