He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
