I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
