Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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