Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
